Exactly how I feel

I found this amazing blog entitled Arthritic Young Thing, and it's all about her musings on having a disability and how she handles things. There was one particular blog entry that really stood out for me and it was called "Growing a thick skin". It's really hard for me to describe what my life has been like and how I feel about my disability, so I thought I would post this on my blog, because she is definitely more articulate than I could ever be about this topic :). I've bolded some of the things that I could really relate to and things I wish people would understand about me.

"When I was a little girl, quite a few people picked on me for being crippled, for being a brainy bookworm, for being shy, for being anything they deemed unacceptable. No one ever told me the bullies were being jackasses, no, I was told to ignore them, to 'grow a thick skin', to not let them get to me. No one exactly told me how that was possible. I've come to the conclusion that when almost everyone is against you, and you have little to zero support, it's impossible to not let it get you down. It's impossible to 'grow a thick skin' in those circumstances, and it isn't even the most appropriate thing to do. The bullies should be called on their behavior and punished for it, and that should extend well into adulthood. One should not have to grow a thick skin and take that sort of abuse without fighting back, without crying out against the injustice.

All through elementary and high school, I was rejected, outcast and alone. I counted myself lucky when people ignored me rather than notice me, because people who noticed me went out of their way to make me miserable. I learned how to make myself small and invisible. I learned not to do or say anything that would draw negative attention to me. The problem was, I felt haunted because I knew I wasn't being true to myself. Biting my tongue, not wearing what I wanted, not doing what I wanted, not being who I wanted to be, all for the sake of being left alone and ignored. I didn't like being that person, but I didn't want to go back to being noticed and bullied either.

In order to become the person I wanted to be, I had to grow a thick skin. I'm not talking about being silent while suffering oppression, or not being bothered by the verbal abuse I received from others. I'm talking about thickening my skin enough so that I could go out and be the me I needed to be, skin not strong enough to deflect criticism and hatred, but strong enough to keep them from getting in to my inner core where they would do the most damage. Before I became that person, I was skinless and fragile, and every little glance, every word, every sneer would wound me to the deepest part of my being. Growing a thicker skin did not mean that I stopped being bothered and angry when people did oppressive and cruel things to me. I don't think people should ever be silent and stoic about being treated that way. Growing a thicker skin meant I was better able to be myself, and stand up and fight against that cruelty and intolerance."